People on the Ace Spectrum use a split-attraction model to describe who they like, and how they like them. An asexual, or “ace” person with no libido, or a low libido. An allosexual is someone with the standard libido. An Aromantic person does not feel romantically towards other people. Romantically speaking, “Hetero-romantics” are “straight”, “homo-romantics” are “gay”, “bi/pan-romantics” like both or all genders.

The main problem I’ve found with my identity is that, while I enjoy the romantic connection (snuggles, deep conversations, enjoying mutual hobbies together, sharing memes) when it goes beyond that, I always feel mismatched. I prefer non-physical connections & strong mental and spiritual connections, which is why I like Relationship Anarchy.

The “Relationship Anarchist” part of my identity is about how I structure the relationships in my life. In our society, we put romantic relationships front and center as being the most important. My relationship with my daughter is my central relationship, and my coparent will always be a significant person in my life because of that. In the standard story, I should call my coparent my “ex” and hate him while finding someone to replace him as my daughter’s father. I would prefer a partner to be more like an aunt/uncle/guardian than a replacement-parent to my kid. My friendships are the next strongest relationships. I don’t need romance to be happy, and find dating to be anxiety-enducing and exhausting, but it can be pleasantly surprising in life-changing ways. I just consider romantic things more fleeting, because of people’s tendency to cut people off after going separate ways. Friendships are way less demanding and thus more fun.

So while the term “relationship anarchy” is associated with polyamory, they aren’t interchangeable terms. It’s about whether you follow society’s scripts or not.
Polyamory is worth addressing along with Pride even though it’s not in the acronym.
I wonder if polyamory arises from strong romantic bonds with mismatched libidos, and society’s lack of awareness about asexuality. Everyone is considered a heteroromantic, asexual, mono-amorous person until they come out as gay or asexual or poly. But there could be asexuals out there who think they’re straight, gay or bi and think they’re broken because of their low desire. There were polyamorous adults in my family starting around when I was 15, and I knew them through things like our families doing BBQs together. They were kind, normal, and passed as your standard straight, monogamous happy family couples. They might be cisgendered and heterosexual, and still marginalized by proxy of being poly. Monogamous privilege is a real thing, just like white or male, cis and straight privilege. They need allies to feel safe coming out too.

And while we may choose to have one partner at a time (monogamous) most of us have multiple partners over the course of our life (serial monogamy). I think if we could accept polyamory as a society we’d see fewer affairs (20% of men cheat, and 13% of women) and more ethical non-monogamy (ENM). 1 in 9 people have tried polyamory at some point in their life. There’s a good chance someone you know is polyamorous or has been poly-curious at some point. So while it’s not the same as coming out as trans or gay, there are people stuck in the poly closet.